Elon Musk: Tesla Cybertruck Is Dead

Elon Musk: Tesla Cybertruck Is Dead

Tesla's Cybertruck Elon Musk

Elon Musk said this week he has been wrong about so many things and that he is going to change his ways to bring EVs to the masses.

Lost in all the noise about new rules from the US Treasury Department defining which electric cars will be eligible for the federal EV tax credit as of April 18 — here’s a hint, the correct answer is “none” — was a statement by Elon Musk that will rock the EV world to its very foundations.

Speaking from inside a SpaceX Starship interstellar transport module, where he was personally installing the touchscreens that will control all aspects of future space flights, Musk told a reporter from SpaceShot that he recently had a dream after working 36 hours nonstop without so much as a bathroom break. “If I want people who are hardcore and have no personal life working for me, I have to set the example,” he said.

“This damned Full Self Flying system just doesn’t work right,” he grumbled. “I told my engineers to fix it, but if you want something done right around here, you’ve got to do it yourself. The way it is now, if you set it to fly to Mars, it brakes suddenly when it sees Venus in the sideview sensor and makes a sharp turn toward the Sun. I needed to invent artificial intelligence because the people coming out of universities today are all a bunch of dunderheads who don’t know the difference between power and energy. We need better human beings. I hope I don’t have to sire them all myself.”

In his dream, Musk — known as Musky McMusk Face to both of his closest friends — told the reporter he suddenly realized the Cybertruck was a stupid idea. “The world doesn’t need a 7000 pound truck that looks like a snowmobile hauler,” he said. “What the world needs is a real battery-powered truck that can carry a 4- by 8-foot sheet of plywood and tow a camper once in a while. It should have room for 5 people and a dog.”

He blamed the design of the Cybertruck on Joe Rogan. “I had just spent the afternoon with Joe. We sparked up a phattie and just discussed all sorts of crazy-ass ideas. Truthfully, I think Joe spiked the joint with a little LSD he got from Ken Kesey.

“Anyway, it seemed so utterly cool in a crazy sort of way — it reminded me of sitting in front of the TV when I was a kid watching Lost In Space with my pet turtle. I was still a little buzzed. I sketched it out on the back of an envelope and faxed it over to Franz. He thought it was a stupid idea at the time. In fact, he still does. But I’m the boss, which means people have to do what I tell them to do. Sometimes I get a bit carried away.”

Musk added, “A pickup truck should look like an F-150. That’s been the best selling truck in America for more than half a century. That’s what people expect a truck to look like, and so that’s what Tesla is going to do. In fact, we will make them in two sizes — jumbo for Americans who like to ride around all alone in huge vehicles, and a smaller version for the rest of the world where trucks are used to make a living instead of impress people at the country club. Trucks are for working. If you want a battery electric status symbol, buy a Celestiq.”

Then Musk sat up, grabbed a slide rule, and shook at the intrepid reporter. “And another thing I was wrong about is that stupid Solar Roof idea. I had to bail out my cousins when Solar City went into a tailspin, and I tried to think up something cool to do with the company. It was tough selling that bailout boondoggle to the board, but in the end, they bought it, because, like I said, I’m the boss and so people have to obey me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be the boss and then who would lead us to Mars once we make the Earth as hot as Venus?”

Musk has a point. He may be an arrogant, self-important jerk but isn’t that true of so many famous leaders? Napoleon surely was, and there are hints in the chronicles about the exploits of the Roman legions that Julius Caesar was one, too. Elon is hell bent on turning Twitter into a platform that will make him as powerful today as Alexander the Great or Genghis Khan. To make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs. That’s something Musk knows a thing or two about, having had extensive practice at running around and breaking things — like unions — most of his life.

Musk Hints At A Tesla For The Masses
Musk also said he was wrong about not making a low priced car for the masses. “We started out with the Model S. The profits from that were supposed to pay for less expensive cars that ordinary people could afford because — you know — the environment and stuff. But I thought we should do the Model X first because the world needs cooler $100,000 SUVs. I got the idea for those falcon-wing doors after a night at a hookah bar, but then we wasted three years trying to get the damn things to work right.

“All that time, GM and SAIC were working on that silly little Wuling Mini and now they can’t build them fast enough. The world doesn’t need grand touring machines that can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 seconds. It needs simple, affordable cars that can drive 30 miles a day to get to work or bring the kids to the orthodontist to get their braces tightened. They need a radio, a speedometer, a heater, A/C, and not much else. I have wasted so much time on electronic gizmos that I lost track of what cars are used for most — basic transportation.”

The great and powerful Musk then announced he had ordered his minions to come up with a simple battery electric car with 150 miles of range that can carry four people and a sheep dog wherever they need to go comfortably and safely. He said it might even have a few knobs and switches, as well as a hatchback for putting groceries and such inside.

“When you come right down to where the rubber meets the road, people need a comfortable, reliable car that doesn’t burn gasoline,” Musk said. Because there are no engines and transmissions needed, it can be big on the inside but small on the outside, so even people in Amsterdam can find a place to park.

“That’s what we should have been working on — the Tesla Model 2 — all along. My new factory in Mexico would be the perfect place to build it and ship it from there all over the world to the millions of people who want an affordable car that doesn’t stink up the place and harm the environment. A 40 kWh battery would be more than enough to keep it going for two to three days without the need to charge it up.

“I can’t imagine why I didn’t do this sooner. It was right there in my first Master Plan, but I got blinded by becoming richer than Croesus and let my ambition cloud my judgement. I’m sorry,” Musk said. An exhaustive search of the internet reveals that was the first and only time Elon has used those words.

“I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future!” Musk said as he scrambled out from behind a circuit board. “The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me!” The world can only wonder when the fruits of this new Beta version of Elon Musk will show up in the configurator on the Tesla website. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

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